Before there were barbarians, the world lived in peace. Men and Neanderthals, wooly mammoths and saber tooth tigers, they all loved each other, and they all loved every other member of the animal kingdom. It was a time of unfettered civilization, where civility was a virtue beyond all others, and where propriety was not merely the norm but the Only. Gluttony and lust were unheard of: you ate your proper amount and you loved your partner for life. You sipped your wine, but not to excess. You expressed your disagreement, but you didn’t bear your anger.
In this time, the time of civilization, peace reigned over the land, and everyone had according to need. The year: 100,000 BC. The place: Africa. Some scholars say it was a happy time. Other scholars say it was a time of contentment, but not necessarily a time of overwhelming glee. Others say it was a stifling time, when art suffered in the name of domestication.
The crucial moment, the moment that changed the course of history, was a hot day in 99,999 B.C.: July 4th…Independence Day. A fierce wind came from the east, and swept the antelope across the plains. A darkness fell on all of Africa, for three days and three nights. And the people waited, sat hushed in the cool, damp cave dwellings. They cuddled with their saber tooth tigers, and groomed their wooly mammoths. The Neanderthals, the heliolaters, danced their ritual dances. But no matter how hard they danced, no matter how many times they popped-and-locked, the sun stayed occluded.
Meteorologists of today have studied this event, but few have any explanations of why darkness swept the land, and most of the explanations are far-fetched or obsolete. One leading theory is that a black hole temporarily sucked up the sun, but then because of Hawking radiation the sun was radiated back out in three days. Many physicists contend that this explanation does not make sense, since a black hole would suck up the earth too. Other physicists argue back that maybe the earth was sucked up in a black hole, and that is actually why it was dark. Other physicists say that couldn’t be, because then everyone would be dead. To this, experimental physicists at NASA have said that maybe the hawking radiation brought everyone back to life. Then philosophers argue that hawking radiation couldn’t transmit souls, and so even if it did bring people back to life, they wouldn’t have souls, and if you don’t have a soul then you’re not a real person but an automata.
But perhaps there is no scientific explanation for the three days of darkness. Certainly, for the people of Africa, it was an event that transcended any earthly explanations. So for one day everyone waited, and even though the people were scared, civilization was maintained. During the second day of darkness, the Neanderthals, who had spent over 24 hours dancing, and popping-and-locking, fell asleep. And even though mankind was scared, and the Neanderthals were sleeping, everyone kept their civility.
Twelve hours into day three a funny thing happened. A barrel-chested troglodyte rustled himself up off his wooly mammoth bed and peeked out of his cave. He was curious and began wandering outside in the darkness in the Africa plains. It was like nothing he had ever seen before. Darkness all around and not a soul in sight. You see, society was so civilized that everyone followed a strict curfew and went to bed before the sun set. Standing in the plains, staring out into the star-speckled blackness of the universe, the man, whose birth name was Ryan son of Kavil, felt something he had never felt before. In all the annals and tomes that document this momentous event in the history of human kind, I have never seen a paragraph that could accurately describe what Ryan son of Kavil felt. The simplest way to describe it was a mixture of angst and overwhelming freedom. Ryan son of Kavil ran unfettered through the deep African grass, and splashed through the murky lagoons of the Western plateaus. It was in one of these lagoons that he saw, silhouetted in the darkness, the she-goddess Barba. That night, together in the murky lagoon, they boned to the squawking stridence of vulture-raptors.
After a twenty year incubation period, when the three nights of darkness only remained a distant memory of the elders, Barba went into labor. For seven days and six nights, Barba was in labor. Ryan son of Kavil, who by then was an old man, sat by Barba for all seven days. And on the seventh day, a baby boy emerged from Barba the She-goddesses snatch. Barba had died in labor, and transcended from her human form into a full God and floated up to space, like a hot air balloon in the springtime. Ryan son of Kavil shed seven tears, one for each day Barba was in labor. And in honor of Barba, Ryan son of Kavil named his one and only child: Barba son of Ryan.
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