News of Barba son of Ryan’s birth swept from cave to cave like wildfire. He was a site to be seen: as hairy as a wooly mammoth, and as hungry as six wooly mammoths. By the time he was four he could eat an entire antelope in an hour. By the time he was six, he ate elephants in a single meal. And when he was hungry, he got what he wanted. Some would say, “Barba son of Ryan, you eat so much! You mustn’t have any more!” But Barba son of Ryan rejoined: “Hungry. Why wait?” He drank wine in excess and lusted after all women. When he wasn’t making love to women, he was making love to the blue-nosed mandrills that swung form the tree outside his cave.
He was different from the rest of his kind. The humans said he was of Neanderthal upbringing, and the Neanderthals said he was of human upbringing. They chastised Barba son of Ryan: of eating away the great surplus, of drinking away the libations, of carrying lice and worms in his chest hair and spreading disease that way, of having sex with mandrills. And when they accused him Barba spoke in a mighty whisper, so powerful it blew the clouds out of the sky: “Harm me not, for I am not cruel, I am that I am.” But nobody understood what he meant, and the cruel misunderstanding of society spread like locusts during the spring of 100,026 BC. Society banished Barba son of Ryan, telling him never to return to Africa.
Barba son of Ryan had no choice but to obey. In the name of propriety, the Vice Roy of Africa promised Barba son of Ryan that upon his departure he would be granted four requests. Barba son of Ryan said: “I need no time to think. I have my four requests. 20 loaves of bread, one for each year I lived in my mother, the God Barba. Four satchels of wine, one for each of my so-called flaws: hairiness, desire for drink, lust, gluttony. Twenty-six concubines from the Northwest delta – one for each year I have lived. Finally I would like seven hair-braids with which to braid the hair on my body – one for each year I spend away before my return.”
His four requests were granted, but the Vice Roy gave a stern warning, he said that Barba son of Ryan better have been facetious about “returning” because he was supposed to be banished for good, not just seven years. Barba son of Ryan nodded his head, but he winked and so the Vice Roy gave a second warning: he told Barba son of Ryan to stop joking around, and that he saw him wink. Barba son of Ryan then stopped playing games, and just left.
For seven years the great civilization of Africa kept as usual. The men ate the right amount and kept their partners for life. They drank wine in moderation, and were by-and-large hairless. Meanwhile Barba son of Ryan had traveled north across the Mediterranean sea and scoured the earth. During his travels he met four men, each of whom had a virtue which he saw in himself. Riban son of Willhims from the Mediterranean archipelago was known for his extraordinary mane of back hair, which flowed elegantly down in spiraling braids. There was Kobi son of Yashi, who haled from the Far East. Some say he could eat over 60 hot dogs in twelve minutes. There was Wilt son of Chamberlain, who was born in Africa but had traveled north in a log-boat. He had loved over 20,000 women. Finally, there was Dipsi the Maniac, whose love for wine had driven him mad. The five men became known throughout the Mediterranean and were named after the leader: they were called the Barbarians.
Together the Barbarians formed two parts: their leader, Barba son of Ryan, and his four apostles, also known as the quartet. The Barbarians lived in a drunken, orgiastic, hairy eating binge for many years. Then one day Barba son of Ryan announced that he had made a facetious promise seven years back that he had to keep. And so the men all squeezed onto Wilt son of Chamberlain’s log-boat (it was really long, so they all could fit pretty easily) and they floated back to Africa.
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