Barba son of Ryan led his quartet out of the city into the desert. They wandered with the sun on their backs and with civilization a forgotten word. They were forever free, and for this they were grateful. But they were not totally satisfied. After all, what is freedom without food, wine and women? And plus it was really hot. Probably over 90 degrees everyday, although to be fair it got pretty cool at night, but sometimes a little too cool and then they were chilly.
The quartet spoke to each other behind their leaders back during their times of wandering. Riban son of Willhims inquired: “Was Barba son of Ryan afraid to challenge the Vice Roy? Has he not the Barbarian pride?” The men were getting tired and hot. Sand storms swept the land violently, and they got sand in their pants which itched. Barba son of Ryan sensed a mutinous sentiment growing in the men. He knew something had to be done.
During a sleepless night in the desert after many months of wandering, Barba son of Ryan walked away from his camp and yelled into the sky: “Mother, the former she-goddess, the God Barba, hear my pleas. The quartet is tired. They need wine and women and food. Help us. Drain wine from the earth! Rain bread from the skies! Bring women from the air! Mother, my blood, fulfill this request and I will be grateful.” Barba son of Ryan yelled loud enough that the quartet could hear him, and they all snickered because he was asking his mom for help. Unfortunately, Barba son of Ryan’s humiliation was for naught, because the god Barba was on the planet Pluto hunting for Space-Mammoths, and sound waves can’t travel through a vacuum i.e. outer space.
The men wandered for another decade. Their feet became callous as well as their hearts. The quartet had planned a mutiny and it was about to come to its crisis when who should they see wandering in the desert but a lion -- it was Kemba! The men could tell because of a big scar on Kemba’s cheek that he got from falling off a waterfall and scraping his face on a big rock in the middle of the River of Nispair the Titan. Kemba walked up to the men and let out a treacherous roar. Then he spoke in the voice of Ryan son of Kavil: “Son, it is I, your father. When I perished in that camel accident in your infancy I was given demi-god status by your mother Barba. Your mother and I have been watching you from our house on Mercury and we have been proud of you. But these past years, you have led your men astray. Where hast gone thy booze? Where hast gone thy chow? Where hast gone thy honeys? And I see you’re still hairy so that’s good. But you only have one of the four qualities of the Barbarian: that is not enough.
“As you know demi-god’s can inhabit the body of mortals, so I have returned to earth in this form, of your friend Kemba the lion. And I am here to tell you to challenge the Vice Roy; to return to the city of your birth; the city of my birth. It was there that the three days of darkness fell upon the earth, and in the three days I felt, for the first time, the twinkle of Barbarism in my heart and my loins. And it was in that third day of darkness that you were conceived in a murky lagoon in the western plateaus, and from my seed sprung the New spirit, the spirit of the barbarian, and it is in you.”
The demi-god soul-smoke of Ryan son of Kavil left through the mouth of Kemba. Kemba, of course, died since once you are inhabited by a demi-god your organ systems stop functioning completely. Barba son of Ryan announced that they would return to his city of birth, the city of Lazation, and that they would practice the four virtues of the Barbarian whether everyone else liked it or not. And if everyone else didn’t like it, well, then they would challenge the Vice Roy to a vicious fist fight.
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