The Vice Roy ordered his cadre to secure the Barbarians and bring them to the house of the main Roy, Roy the Immortal. Barba son of Ryan made a last-ditch effort to defend himself and the quartet, but he was still pretty wasted from the night before and he just ended up making an ass of himself by trying to take a punch at one of the Vice Roy’s men and totally missing and letting out a little fart as he contracted his obliques for the punch, and then he just said “fuck it” and dozed off.
The first clear memory any of the Barbarians have of that whole debacle is being dropped in front of the throne of Roy the Immortal. They all tried to listen, but Dipsi the Maniac was having trouble because he desperately had to take a beer shit, but they wouldn’t let him. Douche bags. Roy the Immortal spoke: “Didn’t Vice Roy tell you never to return to Lazation? Have you no sense of honor, or propriety or civility? Have you no matters, or temperance, or self-restraint? What have you done to the modest city of Lazation? Neaderthals and women, women and men, men and mandrills are copulating in the streets, they are drunk and bloated, and all the barber shops are going out of business because the “hairy look” is the new vogue. What should I do with you five, bringers of anarchy, disrupters of the order.” Dipsi the Maniac totally shit his pants. Roy the Immortal snapped his finger and the quartet was dragged out of the room. “I wanted to speak to you alone,” Roy the Immortal spoke smugly, “Do you know who I am, Barba son of Ryan?” Barba looked at Roy with disdain, and let out a little hiccup. “Did your father ever tell you about his father, your grandpappy?”
“I never spoke to my father. He died in a camel accident when I was young. The only time I’ve ever had an exchange with him was when he was a demi-god and he inhabited the body of Kemba the Lion.”
“Well that’s too bad. Your grandpappy was a great man. He was a leader of men. A man with vision and propriety. I helped him lead, did you not know that? I was his viceroy. It was the time before the war with the separatists, when the city of Kavil, named for your grandpappy, was one with the city of Lazation: it was Kavil-Lazation. Your grandpappy assigned me rule over the western frontier, now Lazation proper. He exercised his rule in the East, the area which now holds the Ruins of Kavil. For many years his rule was great. He stuck to the codes passed down from the four titans of Kavil-Lazation: Nispair the Titan, Bigol the Titan, DeKup the Titan and Sookan the Titan.
"But weakness set in. Kavil the Immortal started talking of reforms; talk of allowing improper acts of gluttony and mandrill-sex. The people of the East took interest in his ideas and they praised him for it. I saw it for what it was: not reform but weakness. I saw that he was doing dishonor to Kavil-Lazation and to his immortal status. I knew I had the vision that he had so impetuously left behind. And, dear Barba son of Ryan, I was his brother and was thus next in line for his position. So I did it, during the plague of Lotus of 100,026 BC, when Kavil the Immortal was busy dealing with various issues. It is not easy to kill an immortal. You must use the tooth of a saber-tooth tiger and stick it in the immortal’s navel. Then you must reach inside his stomach and get the Talisman of Immortality out of his duodenum. In the midst of a cloud of locusts your grandpappy fell by my hand. I took the Talisman out of the duodenum and swallowed it, thus securing my status as immortal. Later, when the Eastern provinces began accusing me of regicide and rumors of rebellion circulated, I preemptively attacked and battle broke—it was the Kavil War. As you must know, the Eastern provinces were crushed and left in ruins. Your father, Ryan son of Kavil, was just a child at the time. I let him live, and gave him to a peasant family to raise, hoping he would never learn of his past and so would never be able to take vengeance upon me for killing his father. Unfortunately, your father seemed to have the spirit of reform in him that your grandpappy bore so tempestuously. In your infancy, your father’s rebellious instincts began to flower. He started to piece together the story of his father and me and the murder. Something had to be done.”
“You didn’t!”
“I most certainly did. The camel collision was no accident… it was a setup. And so my problem was nearly solved…except for that little issue of you. And I thought that the issue of you would be done with, after the Vice Roy sent you away, and then again after you wandered off in the desert with your quartet. But here you are. Making a mess of things the same way your father did and the same way your grandfather did, and accordingly I shall fashion you the same fate.”
Roy the Immortal took a saber tooth tiger’s tooth with a little brownish-red caked on the end of it out from one of the many pockets on his cargo pants. Barba son of Ryan struggled to break free of the antelope-hide knots around his feet and hands, but it was no use. He was gutted and killed right then and there. The quartet was also killed by the Vice Roy’s cadre in an outer room of the palace.
And Roy the Immortal thought his struggle with Barbarism was over and the Lazation would live in stability and propriety under his rule forever. But what Roy the Immortal forgot was a crucial fact about the four tenets of barbarism as opposed to the tenets of the four titans of Kavil-Lazation. While the civilized men had only one or two children in their lifetime for reasons of propriety, the Barbarians, on that one night of partying alone knocked up like 1000 babes (plus 7 mandrills somehow got pregaz). And each of the 1000 babes gave birth to a child that had the barbarian spirit in him. Yes, spreading thy seed prevailed. And as the new generation carried the seed of barbarianism in them, so did the next until mere numbers of barbarians allowed for an abandonment of the restrictive policies of Kavil, and a taking of the Talisman of Immortality from the duodenum of Roy the Immortal. And so began the Time of The Barbarian.
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